My Story

The song Angels Remembered was born out of a life altering trial for my family and me.  Through my experience, I was able to expound my knowledge and understanding, as well as receive comfort in a time of great loss. I hope and pray that by sharing this knowledge, others may receive a blessing of peace and understanding in their own personal trials. 

After the birth of our third child, my husband and I knew our family wasn’t yet complete.  Because our last child trailed behind the first two by six years, we wanted to have another child fairly quickly so that they would be close in age. My third child was frank breech for delivery (the baby was sitting straight up instead of head down), and my doctor recommended that I wait at least a year before delivering another baby.  With the doctor’s counsel in mind, we waited the allotted time and then began to try for number four.  Just a few months later, I was so excited when I saw a positive pregnancy result, and quickly calculated my due date. Unfortunately, when I was 6 weeks along, I suddenly had severe cramping and started to bleed.  I knew the symptoms indicated I would be losing my baby and my heart just sank!  Soon after, an ultrasound confirmed that  I was in the process of miscarrying. I cried. I felt like my heart was broken, and I left the doctor’s office that day feeling completely numb and in shock. The emotions I had experienced were new and painful.  I felt a deep loss for the child I had carried. 

A short time later, we we were pregnant again. I longed for another baby, but because of the previous miscarriage, I was nervous. I wondered if I would be able to carry this little one to term.  Seven weeks into the second pregnancy, I started bleeding again.  I was so saddened and my heart sank again at the possibility that I would lose this child. After going to the hospital, I learned I had a subchorionic bleed and a 50/50 chance of miscarriage. I prayed with all my heart that the bleed would heal, and the baby would continue to grow and develop.  I felt so happy when the bleeding resolved a week later. My doctor said the baby had a strong heartbeat and everything looked good.  

However, at nine weeks, an ovarian cyst rupture brought me back to the emergency room.  Although I was in a lot of pain, my baby showed a strong heartbeat and was doing well.  Then, at ten weeks I started cramping again and I knew something was wrong.  Another visit to the emergency room left me without answers.  The doctors said the baby was fine and they couldn’t find a source for the cramping. I made an appointment with my OB for two days later, and planned to address the problem at that visit.  The pain seemed to lessen the following day, but the morning of my appointment brought extreme cramping that left me rolling on the ground in agony.  I felt like I was going to die.  When the pain started, I was home alone with my toddler and desperate for relief.  Thankfully, in what can only be described as a tender mercy, my mother-in-law happened to stop by the house just as I passed out. When I came to,  I was taken by ambulance to the hospital.  Luckily, when I arrived at the emergency room, the same doctor that had seen me just two days earlier was on staff.  Because he was already familiar with my case,  he was able to narrow down the possibilities very quickly.  The location and severity of the pain indicated that my appendix might have ruptured, so I underwent an ultrasound.  Even though I was only ten weeks along, the ultrasound showed me every detail of my baby's face. In that moment, I felt we had a connection. That was the last time I heard my baby's heartbeat. Shortly after beginning the ultrasound, the technician ran out of the room to find a radiologist.  The doctor came into the room to inform me that my uterus had ruptured and my entire abdomen was filled with blood.  All I could think about was saving my baby.  

My obstetrician was called in, and he informed me of two very life shattering facts. First, I would lose my baby, and second, he would need to quickly perform a hysterectomy in hopes of saving my life.  With my life dangling by a thread, I spoke with my husband about my love for him and had a very difficult discussion about the possibility of him going forward without me.  Our hope was strong, but we ultimately had no promise that I would survive.  I called and spoke with each of my children. I knew I needed to hear their voices before I went into surgery.  Speaking with them gave me the courage I needed to fight for my life.

Surgery went well, but in my post operative recovery, they couldn't stop the bleeding.  The donor blood that was being used to replace my own would flow out as quickly as it was put in. During this time,  I had an out of body experience where I watched everyone frantically working on me. I remember standing next to my body and hearing the words, "She's crashing, she's unresponsive, we are losing her! Breathe Emily, breathe!!"  That is when I came back to my body lying on the hospital bed.  As the trauma of the surgery and healing subsided, I was allowed to remember more of my experience.  As the memories returned, I knew that during the time I was separated from my body, I crossed through into the spirit world.  In my short time there, I learned many things and had my mind opened up to a new understanding.

The next few months were hard, trying to cope with everything, losing my baby, never being able to get pregnant again, and almost dying.  It was a lot to deal with and I walked a rough road for a long time.  As the months passed, I found comfort in the little things that kept me going.  Six months later, I was sitting at a Christmas concert, listening to beautiful Christ centered music, when a memory came flooding back to me.  I clearly remembered being in the spirit world and being instructed to come back and write a song about my experience to share with the world.  I was struck with the knowledge that my song would be able to bring comfort and hope into the lives of so many of God's children that need peace. 

Upon remembering this instruction, I chuckled and thought to myself, "Yeah right! You have the wrong girl! I don't have any musical talent.  How am I supposed to write a song and share it with the world?" As I told my experiences to others, I would hear, "You need to write a book."  I would always respond, "I'm not supposed to, I'm supposed to write a song!" They would giggle with me and say, "Good luck with that!"  Despite my reservations, the direction from my Heavenly Father was clear, I knew that I was allowed to come back for a very specific purpose.  For some time, I had no idea how I would accomplish my mission, but I had faith that God would open the doors to make His will possible.  Although I didn't act on the song immediately, it was always present in my mind.  In the weeks that followed, I often found myself humming an unknown tune that I couldn't quite finish.   It was a lovely melody, and one day, I  realized, it was the song I was meant to write.  This beautiful music was my song!  

Although I knew my end goal, after some months, I hadn't made any firm steps to move forward.  One day I had a very strong impression come to my mind.  It said, "Emily, it's time to sit still and write your song." I looked up toward heaven and patiently explained that now really wasn't a good time for me.  I had a lot going on in life (work, kids, healing, etc), and besides that, I still couldn't figure out how someone like me, with literally no music background, would go about writing a song.  A week later, I learned a great lesson about obedience when I rolled my ankle and heard a snap!  I ended up at the same hospital I had almost lost my life in nearly two years prior.  Being in the emergency room again brought back so many raw emotions and memories.  While waiting for the test results, I was sitting alone in a room when I, once again, looked toward heaven and said, "Okay, I get the message! I will write my song!"  When the doctor came back in, he told me I had shattered a bone in the arch of my foot and that I needed to go and see an orthopedic surgeon.  I couldn't believe it.  I was literally being stopped in my tracks.  After visiting the surgeon, I learned that I wouldn't be able to walk for four weeks.  Needless to say, I now had valuable time on my hands to get working on my song!

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