Friday, December 2, 2016

"Jesus hold you"

        Recently, I had an experience that brought me back to other experiences throughout my life.  I was once again reminded to trust in Jesus.  I felt that by sharing these experiences others might be touched even as I have been.
        About a month ago my husband and I took our 12-year-old daughter in for what looked like a clogged salivary gland.  When we met with the specialist he definitely thought it was exactly that.  He told us to take her in for a CT scan to see where the stone was clogging the duct so that it could be removed, oh and just to make sure this "mass" wasn't cancer.  I was grateful he was being thorough. We took her in for the CT scan and waited a week for the results.  I was confident all was well and when we sat down with the doctor I was not prepared for what he had to tell us.  After reviewing the CT scan, we found out it was in fact not a clogged salivary duct.  It showed abnormal lymph nodes in her jaw, down her neck, and into her upper chest.  He had not planned on the CT showing these results.  It was then that we were told that she needed to have immediate surgery to remove the enlarged lymph nodes to test for cancer.  Being a nurse, I knew exactly what they were looking to rule out, Lymphoma.  I looked at my daughter sitting in that chair, confused and not understanding what the doctor was saying.  I tried to stay positive, but my heart and my mind would not allow me to keep it together.  I kept looking heavenward, praying with all my heart that she did not have cancer.  I had tears in my eyes and my daughter knew there was more going on because she could see it all over my face.  On the way home, I looked out the car window with tears rolling down my cheeks, wondering how life could change for our family so quickly right before my eyes.
        We scheduled the surgery for the following week, which was the earliest the doctor could do it. The night before surgery, I cried and cried.  I kept praying and asking for strength and help to get through this new trial.  I also prayed for a miracle.  I said to God, "I can't do this.  This is one trial I can't do.  Please don't let her have cancer.  Give it to me, not her!"  Right then I heard these words come to my mind, "Jesus hold you!"  I immediately knew what God was telling me right then in that moment.
        12 years ago, when my daughter was born, we had something happen that forever changed our lives.  She was only four days old when one night before going to bed, I was holding her.  Her daddy had just gotten home and I went to hand her to him so he could hold his little girl.  Right then, she went limp and started to turn blue.  I grabbed her from my husband and told him to call 911.  The paramedics were taking too long, I cried and told him we were going to lose her if we didn't get her breathing fast.  The dispatch told my husband what I needed to do to get my daughter breathing again.  CPR.  I quickly did as I was told and as I gave my daughter the second puff of air, she started to breathe once again.  That's when the paramedics walked in. Shaking, I handed them my daughter. 
        Once we were at the hospital, she continued to have "episodes" and we found out that she was becoming apneic because of acid reflux.  They told me, had I not been holding her that night, she would have died.  She would have been a SIDS baby because they wouldn't have known what caused her to stop breathing. They treated her for the reflux and sent us home after five days of being in the hospital.  Once we were home, I was terrified to lay my baby down to sleep.  So I asked my husband to give me a priesthood blessing to help give me comfort.  During this blessing, I had an image come to my mind.  It was an image I will never forget.  In my mind, I saw the Savior walk in my room, pick up my daughter in his arms, and hold her to his chest.  He then said, "Trust in me, I will hold her while you sleep.  I will watch over her and take care of her."  That experience helped me through some very difficult times.  A few months later, I saw this picture in a store and it took my breath away, it was exactly what I had seen in my mind that night.

        A few years went by and my daughter was now two years old.  She started having these things called, "Night terrors."  Every night she would scream and cry in her sleep and I tried and tried to comfort her.  After many nights of this, I went into her room and as I was laying her down for the night I had a thought come to me.  I told her, "Jesus promised me once that he would hold you while you sleep and would always watch over you at night."  She looked at me and smiled.  I promised her that if she got scared to remember that Jesus would be there to help her and hold her.  I tucked her in and went to bed.  That was the first night in a few weeks that she didn't wake up with the 'night terrors'.  In the morning I went into her room.  I was so happy that she had made it through the night without being frightened or scared.  I said, "It looks like you had a good night!"  She quickly said, "Mommy, Jesus hold you!" Each one of my kids at a young age, have always said, "Hold you!" when they wanted me to hold them.  I knew exactly what she was trying to tell me, "Jesus held me!" I cried knowing that once again He really did come and comfort us when we needed him.

I found this picture shortly after the 'night terror' experience and it now hangs in my daughter's room.
        Going through this new trial with my daughter, once again I was reminded to trust in Jesus.  Trust that he would take care of my daughter.  It was the knowledge and comfort I needed in a very difficult time.  The following day, she went into surgery and had three enlarged lymph nodes removed.  They were immediately sent off to test for cancer.  We were told it would take about a week to get the results.  The waiting was the hardest part.
        That night, as I was tucking my daughter into bed, I hugged her tight and told her how much I loved her.  I reminded her to say her prayers and have a good night.  After I went to bed, my phone rang.  It was my daughter.  She tends to do this a lot because she always has "one more thing to say" before going to bed.  She called to tell me that when she was saying her prayers, she remembered a dream she had when she was in surgery that day.  I asked her to tell me about her dream.  She said, "Mom, it was the best dream I've ever had.  The colors were so beautiful and bright.  I remember sitting on Jesus' lap.  I sat on his right knee.  He was comforting me, mom! While I was sitting there, I saw all of these children sitting at His feet, smiling at us. It was so beautiful and amazing!"  I cried and cried and then I proceeded to tell her the story of "Jesus hold you!"  That's when the both of us cried together.  We both knew that Jesus was there doing exactly what he had promised, THE ENTIRE TIME.  He would hold her and watch over her.  We both went to bed that night feeling so much love from our Father in Heaven and Jesus Christ.  It was the strength we needed to get us through whatever might come. 
        A week went by and we finally got the results of the tests from surgery.  We were told that everything came back clear, it was not cancer.  The doctor couldn't explain what had happened.  I feel like we witnessed a miracle.  What I learned most from this experience, the same that I learn from all my trials, is to trust in my Savior and know He is watching over us.  When we feel that life has handed us more than we can handle, turn to Him and He will carry us through those trials that we feel we cannot bare alone.  He loves each of us more than we can comprehend.  He is there for us, if we will just let Him in.  Always remember, "Jesus hold you!" because He will!

Saturday, July 16, 2016

New Video: Every Life Matters

I have felt that I needed to reach out to expand the message of my original video.  My message is for all babies who have been lost at any stage of their lives. 

I created a video of only babies with the Savior. My friend and artist, Jean Keaton was kind enough to allow me to use her artwork to complete this video. After carefully going through her artwork, we chose these pictures that would be a perfect fit for the message we are sharing with the world.

This video is to share that all lives matter, even those unborn. They have a purpose in each of our lives. Whether your loss was due to miscarriage, infant loss, SIDS, or abortion, this song is meant to give hope and love to all those that have experienced one kind of loss or another.

Many women have lost their babies to miscarriage.  Miscarriage is a taboo subject in our world today.  So many of us are silently suffering the loss of our little ones because we aren't allowed to acknowledge who they are and their brief existence.  It's ok to talk about these special babies that we carried, no matter how brief that may have been.  Recently, I have seen in the news and social media, other videos and songs being made for this same purpose.  I love seeing that others too, want this message of hope and love.
 
There are millions of babies dying each year to abortion.  I pray that this video will find those contemplating that life changing decision, and I pray it helps them make their decision. Those unborn babies are alive, have beating hearts, and are just waiting to be born to bless others lives.  There are many couples that are unable to have children, and would feel honored to love and care for a beautiful child that they can teach and parent throughout their lives.  Instead of choosing abortion, consider the option to give your baby up for adoption to these loving, caring people. This is truly one of the most selfless noble acts one could make.  While every situation is different, in the end these little ones are important and their lives matter far beyond what we will ever know. Please take a moment and watch this video and know how important each life is.  Every life matters.

Please share this video on Facebook and with others who could be impacted by this message.



Sunday, January 31, 2016

First Hospital Donation

My goal ever since I began this journey was to get this song on CDs and start donating them to every hospital where women lose babies. Being a NICU nurse, it breaks my heart each time a parent has to say goodbye to their sweet baby. But the NICU is not the only unit where a mother might lose her baby. I know that Labor and Delivery units see more losses than we do in the NICU. I have been working with my unit to get these CDs donated and added to the bereavement packets. While I have been waiting for donations to be approved for my unit, I witnessed yet another miracle. I was introduced to the right person over on Labor and Delivery. I went to ask for permission to donate CDs to their unit and was speechless when they wanted to help fund this project and ordered 100 CDs immediately. They were so excited for these CDs to be given as a gift to mothers that lose their babies. I am once again humbled to see so many miracles happening. I am so grateful for so many people willing to donate for this cause. I keep hoping to be guided to the right people so that every hospital has a CD for every mother that experiences a loss.
 Thank you to the University of Utah Hospital Labor and Delivery for helping fund and support women that lose their babies. Thank you!

CDs are here!

I couldn't believe how exciting it was to finally hold one of these CDs in my hand. To have something tangible and real. It has been such an incredible journey to go from a song in my heart, to having it composed, and now on a cd for all to hear! I am so grateful for the many talented women that have given so freely of their time and talents. So many miracles have unfolded before my very eyes. Here they are!
 
 
 

Tuesday, November 17, 2015

Meaning behind words of the song.

As I was composing the words that would later make up the lyrics of Angels Remembered, I knew there were certain things I needed this song to teach. I wanted to go through a couple lines of the song and explain them further so you understand the message behind the words.

In the line, "A body gained, a spirit merged, then gone before their birth." I have had many conversations with people about when they lost their baby. Some early, some later in pregnancy. The message I want to share with this line is, that no matter the stage in your pregnancy, you can know that they are yours and you will have the opportunity to raise them and be with them in the here after.  Where they are yours you can ask Heavenly Father to know more about them.  I want you to know that even if you think it was too early to know the gender or even if you never saw a heartbeat or a baby in there, you can ask your Heavenly Father. He will give you the answers you need to know.  All you have to do is ask.

This line is also very important for those that have never understood life and when life begins, this will help you understand that a growing fetus is life.  I pray that this song will reach those that are contemplating aborting their pregnancy. To take the necessary time to make such a big decision. I know it is a very personal one, and for some, not an easy one to make. My hope is that when you read this blog and listen to this song, you will understand that there is life growing inside. I pray that you will make the best decision possible. Lindsay who added the violin part to this song wrote, "This song is a voice for all of the voiceless, for those who can't speak for themselves.  All of God's children are priceless to Him.  The message of this song is so strong and so clear.  The spirits that are sent here to this earth are God's children, whether they take a breath or not and they have a purpose, a place and a family." They are the voiceless and this song gives them the voice they need for others to hear their plea. 

In the lines, " Little angel babies, with their own identity.  Each has a name, a special place, within eternity." You can know so much more about each one you have lost. They have an identity. They each have a name and place in God's plan. They just have a different purpose. You can know who they are, their gender, their name. Yes they each have a name. Their name even has meaning, look up the meaning of their name. They want you to know them, that's why the song is called "Angels Remembered" there are many up in heaven that want you to remember them. For those of us that have lost babies and have living children, these angels are just as important to us as our living children are, they just have a different purpose to fulfill. They are often sent to us, to help when it is needed.

In the lines, "When your thoughts turn Heavenward your baby in your mind,  Your angel’s reaching out to you, so peace and joy you’ll find." This phrase can apply to anyone that has died. Every time you think about that person, or when you see a sunset that reminds you of them, or a smell that triggers a memory. It's in that moment that they are with you and they want you to know that they are there. That's why you are having that thought in that moment. They don't want you to be sad when you think of them, they want you to be happy, knowing they are with you. It's so neat to know that they are with us more than we realize. It gives me such comfort to know that they never really left us, we just need to sit still long enough so that we can feel them, around us. If you do, you will realize they are there. They are all around us, more than we know.